JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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