Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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