i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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