she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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