I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
