Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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