Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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