my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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