OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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