I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Randomize
