I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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