I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
