I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
