new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
