just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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