She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
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