i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
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Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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