i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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