so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
