i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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