I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
