She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
