I can text with my tongue
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Randomize
