She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
You can't just leave with hair like that
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize
