broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
