In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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