Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
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Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
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A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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