I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
