dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
