the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
