2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
