I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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