I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
