Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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