Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
