New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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