found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
