just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
