She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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