she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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