I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
my shit smells like andre
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
