I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
