when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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