Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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