all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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