The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
