i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
