Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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