the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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