I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I wish there were birth control emojis
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
