Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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