Screwed.edu
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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