I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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