I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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