and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you are never too drunk for berry picking
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
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