No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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