Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
