Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
